Question for last sentence of The Kite Flyers

[lavivi]

I'm revising The Kite Flyers with suggestions my friend the published author gave me, but I have a big question I want more opinions on.

The very last line - should it be

The boys stood side by side, staring up into the sky, while the man gazed into the ocean and the girl played in the waves.

or

The boys stood side by side, staring up into the sky, while the man gazed into the ocean and the girl crouched down to pick up another seashell.

?

I would say the second version is better, except I thought the thought that in the first, all the verbs mean action that has and is taking place, not changing, while in the second the boys and the man are still, but the girl's moving...I know, it's a small thing.

Will be posting revised version soon.

Comments

[bloodrebel333.livejournal.com]

Haven't read the Kite Flyers. yet, but from an outstander's points of view I'd say the first sounds better, more interesting.

[lionessgoddess.livejournal.com]

Personally, I like the second one better.

[shortbutsweetg.livejournal.com]

One vote for numba 2.