Third movie parodies

Just read several hilarious interpretations of the third movie.  Of course, I should add Jerry the Frog's version, but that would take too much time, since I've already wasted so much.  So.  There is Liz Barr's, some strange person named Weaver, and, naturally, Maya. 

Legend: Maya, Weaver, Liz.

Harry: I've grown up. I now create electrical problems with my anger. It's really sexy. See?

Dementors: *fly around, not having read the books*

Harry: Oh shit, overage fangirl chasing me! *falls off broom*
Dumbledore: Um. Damn. Spell. Think, man, think! Okay, I got one. ARREST MOMENTUM! No, wait, better make it sound Latin. Arresto Momentum! That'll do the trick.

Hermione: Hey, Draco. *fractures his skull against a rock*

Snape: I hate these children. Nevertheless, I will still shield them from the strange naked skinny animal with my body, despite having terrible flashbacks to The Prank.

Hermione: Oh Harry. I shall drape myself in dead ferrets to become more appealing to you.
Harry: ...Are you all right?

Sirius: I'm really attractive. And this is a really ugly office. Flitwick must really get off on mould and bars.
Harry: Here he is! Look, the doorhandle's just -
Hermione: *BLOWS UP DOOR*
Harry: -there. Never mind.

The Pink Jacket of Bad Characterisation:

Hermione's characterisation was really good in this film. Right up until she donned the pink sporty jacket which I blame for everything, when she became everything that I hate in fictional female representation.

Pink!Hermione had the upper body strength to grasp and hurl Harry in through the Whomping Willow entrance. She had the aim and agility to hurl pebbles at jars and Harry's head! She imitated wolf calls well enough to fool a werewolf! She stole Ron's lines of sacrificing herself for Harry! Harry and Ron both blatantly fancied her pink self! She self-righteously demands an apology from Ron having given no previous indication of being upset by his accusations!

And while Draco is a little bastard and a total whiny drama queen, he is not going to practically weep because of this! She's a girl his own age, wearing pink! Who would ever be his minion again?

 I do not consider women who attack violently without real provocation strong, I consider them unbalanced.

[Draco] threatens people with origami.

HIPPOGRIFF: *slashes, to all appearances, Draco's sleeve*

HARRY: *throws snowballs because Cuaron got overexcited about the mudwrestling and had to be taken home for the day*
DRACO: Oh my God, I'm being manhandled by invisible forces! ... I knew my Russian fur hat would make me a sexual dynamo. Father was so wrong to advocate tasteful chiffon.

HAGRID: They're killing Buckbeak! He was my only friend. Apart from you guys and the headmaster who gave me a sweet job I wasn't even qualified for.
HERMIONE: The Malfoys' rabid concern for their clothing hurts us all, in so many different ways.

DRACO: Dad says I can have the hippogriff's head. Um. He shows his love in unusual ways.

HERMIONE: Buckbeak's being executed! *clings passionately to Ron*
HARRY: I need love too! *clings passionately to Hermione*
RON: *clings passionately to rat*
AUDIENCE: *gets kind of worried about Ron*

SIRIUS: I AM HOMICIDALLY INSANE!
HARRY: NO, I AM HOMICIDALLY INSANE!
RON: You know, I think they're homicidally insane! Cool, the crazy guy on our side is winning. Harry, Harry, he's our man, if he can't kill cons no-one can!

LUPIN: Embrace me, brother!
SIRIUS: Gladly, brother!
RON: I don't embrace my brothers like that, dude.

LUPIN: Full moon! Oh, man, I've been a werewolf for thirty years, why does it always sneak up on me?
SIRIUS: Not to worry! I know the cure for lycanthropy!
HARRY: What's that, then?
SIRIUS: Full body contact and heavy petting!

HARRY: Dementors! Oh no... the horror... my attractively prepubescent face is being blurred... BLURRED, I tell you! *swoons*

HERMIONE: First we lure away Buckbeak with dead ferrets.
AUDIENCE: Random ferret cruelty. Foreshadowing? Circle yes or no.
HERMIONE: Now I'll imitate a wolf call. It'll be convincing, don't worry, I have a magic pink jacket.

CUARON: You see? A new broom, a BIGGER BETTER broom, to show his new sense of empowerment, nay, his SWELLING, RISING estimation of his own burgeoning MANHOOD...
AUDIENCE: Yes, yes. Have a cool, soothing drink. Good job, man. Good job.
CUARON: *takes a bow* Thank you, thank you! I am an arteeste.

Her grabbing of Harry from the Willow -- not only does she have super-strength, but Harry's shirt is indestructable?
(Harry Potter is dressed by Krypton Klothes.)

Also her howling like a werewolf, when she herself says it only responds to the call of its own kind.

Which brings me to The Mysterious Foreshadowing, and possible theories:

• Hermione will become a werewolf (or, as _snitchbitch proposed, is a werewolf already)
  
• Draco will be eaten by Buckbeak ("Come on, eat your nice dead ferrit.")

I was deeply amused that Snape emerged from the tunnel, turned to berate Harry and only then noticed the werewolf. And I loved his protection of the children. I knew that cloak was good for something! It's werewolf-proof!

Description of stories in five seconds, and more bitterness directed toward Liz Barr

Describe your WiP in five seconds.

She Had the Perfect Life
Rose and Mary: We love Lily!
Lily: Let's all do love potions of terrible consequence.
Rose and Mary: Absolutely.  Whatever you do, Lily.
Lily: Ah, my beautiful life - until I fall in love with the wrong person.  Oh, the angst that afflicts us all.
James: Indeed.
Lily: Whoa, I never quite noticed you before...of course, I had to wait until I was carrying my lover's child.  Well, you understand, don't you, Severus?
Severus: ...of course I do.  Go along.  I'll just go stand on a hill in a thunderstorm now...
Lily:  Eep.  Oh, well.

If Sirius Had Won
Boy X: *dies*
Boy Y: *horribly mutilated*
Boy Z: *never speaks again*
Lily: I hate Sirius.
Sirius: I hate me too.
Remus: I would hate you, but I'm too busy hating myself.
*everyone kills themself*

Am perusing Liz Barr's journal.  Her other story, the one besides There Is No Such Place, is Girl Most Likely, which she seems to be infinitely more proud of and therefore takes better care of.  (Bitch.)  It has the most amazing setting:

• Harry's 33.  His wife, Ginny, was killed two years ago.
• Hermione was tortured by Lucius Malfoy at some point.
• Ron, by Mrs. Lestrange.
• Lilith is Severus and...Mrs. Lestrange's daughter.  This was started pre-fifth book, and as I read it now, I have three realities to deal with: what we knew before the fifth book, what we knew after, and the version she established in No Such Place, where Bellatrix was Marguerite de Sylvia, had secretly dated Sirius for a while, and was vaguely Severus's girlfriend.  Yes, very, very confusing.  But in this story, Mrs. Lestrange is Eugenia Borgin Lestrange - the surname is indeed the shopowner in Knockturn Alley.  Lilith was conceived in Azkaban.
• Severus is Headmaster of Hogwarts.  It took me forever to get this.  I saw at least three references to the "Headmaster's daughter," but it only made me want to bang my head against the table.  "ARGH.  So she's related to Lestrange, Borgin, Sirius, Severus, and Dumbledore?"  And then it finally clicked. 
  But actually, Severus would be a logical choice for Headmaster, if Dumbledore and McGonagall were gone.  Which immediately turns Hogwarts into a place of terror, but.

Liz Barr also had a cover piece made for There Is No Such Place.

She hurts me so.

Discovery of June on livejournal

Livejournal is a small world.

Through lizbee's journal, I found junediamanti's.

[Bad username or unknown identity: My beta.]

[Bad username or unknown identity: Who appears to have buried my story.]

[Bad username or unknown identity: Well.  I posted a little comment to her latest entry.  And she replied: "I did get that email - sadly, I just have not had time to ]l[Bad username or unknown identity: ook it over - shall do this week."]

[Bad username or unknown identity: Also, we're befriending each other.  So that means I'll have to watch what I say about her here. ;-)]

[Bad username or unknown identity: Okay, in all seriousness: June is an awesome British beta.  I value her highly.  ]

[Bad username or unknown identity: End.]