lavivi | SOS: Artemis Fowl IV

So. The fourth and last (?) Artemis Fowl book.

Artemis Fowl - The Opal Deception: The best part of the book was the beginning - the certain character's death scene. Moving, without it trying to be. Or maybe I'm just becoming sensitive. [sweatdrop]

A single quote, on page thirty-five of three hundred forty - Artemis is posing as a normal teenager to break into a bank:

Bertholt smiled with the insincerity a toddler could have seen through. "Alfonse, nice to meet you."
"Dude," said Artemis, with equal hypocrisy.

Those two lines are just...love. The next few lines are amusing, but not such love.

Butler shook his head. "My son does not communicate well with the rest of the world. I look forward to the day when he can join the army. Then we will see if there is a man beneath all these moods."

The rest of the book, however. Artemis is fourteen, and the epilogue at the end of the third book LIED. While he has somewhat reverted to his true Slytherin-ness, even before he recovered his memory he had Fits of Conscience. After his memory...well. He ceremoniously burned his Slytherin flag and dyed his hair red, and his skin gold. I nearly hurled.

Very, very disappointing. You lose, Eoin Colfer. You lose big time. You - you brought to life such a fascinating, Raverin character such as Artemis Fowl, and then you ruin him - it's unforgivable. You think you're making your readers happy by making Artemis realize there are such things as morals, and giving him stupid Gryffindor sensibilities? WRONG, ASSHAT. Lemony Snicket proved how very wrong you are. Look at his excellent books, which teach children how policemen are most certainly not your friends, and how lying can be both good and appropriate at times - his books, which one of the themes is all about Shades of Gray, dammit.

It's really enough to make me cry, actually. Because I think I've fallen in love with Artemis Fowl - on the same scale as my love for Cassie's Draco (which is, by the way, just about as much as I love anyone), only a few points less. He would be the best Ravenclaw, and one of the best Slytherins. He's a perfect mix of the houses. A Raverin.

I've fallen in love with him so much, in fact, that I'm seriously considering starting an Artemis Fowl fanfic, about him in boarding school and a girl. It also simultaneously inspired an original story - my first original romance story, and I quite like the concept of it now. It's very unique, not at all your sappy, cliche romance story.

Imagine, if you will - Artemis Fowl, unspoilt by all silly faerie efforts and whatever - in boarding school, growing up. He has no friends, of course, because he doesn't respect anyone, and of course he's fine with it. One girl, however, who may or may not be loosely based on me: one girl who admires intelligence above all, and therefore falls in love with him. One girl who's definitely quirky in her own way, because a lot of what's important to other girls isn't important to her. She's quiet, very quiet, intelligent too, of course. She approaches Artemis, and carefully offers him what he's missing: only a chance to relieve his hormones, without the strings. He comprehends completely, and accepts her offer, and she doesn't mind knowing that he doesn't love her. And both being intelligent, mature, above their peers, they continue their relationship year after year....

Ye gods, it's the kind of story that could really, really be something, I think. The kind of fanfic, anyway.

...COPYRIGHTED, LAVINIA LAVENDER, 2005.