So. The fourth and last (?) Artemis Fowl book.
Artemis Fowl - The Opal Deception:
The best part of
the book was the beginning - the certain character's death scene.
Moving, without it trying to be. Or maybe I'm just becoming
A single quote, on page thirty-five of three hundred forty - Artemis is posing as a normal teenager to break into a bank:
Bertholt smiled with the insincerity a toddler could have seen through. "Alfonse, nice to meet you."
"Dude," said Artemis, with equal hypocrisy.
Those two lines are just...love. The next few lines are amusing, but not such love.
Butler shook his head. "My son does not communicate well with the rest of the world. I look forward to the day when he can join the army. Then we will see if there is a man beneath all these moods."
The rest of the book, however. Artemis is fourteen, and the
epilogue at the end of the third book LIED. While he has
somewhat reverted to his true Slytherin-ness, even before he recovered
his memory he had Fits of Conscience
After his memory...well. He ceremoniously burned his Slytherin
flag and dyed his hair red, and his skin gold. I nearly hurled.
Very, very disappointing. You lose, Eoin Colfer. You lose
big time. You - you brought to life such a fascinating, Raverin
character such as Artemis Fowl, and then you ruin
- it's unforgivable. You think you're making your readers happy
by making Artemis realize there are such things as morals, and giving
him stupid Gryffindor sensibilities? WRONG, ASSHAT. Lemony
Snicket proved how very wrong you are. Look at his excellent
books, which teach children how policemen are most certainly not
your friends, and how lying can be both good and appropriate at times - his books, which one of the themes is all about Shades of Gray
It's really enough to make me cry, actually. Because I think I've
fallen in love with Artemis Fowl - on the same scale as my love for
Cassie's Draco (which is, by the way, just about as much as I love anyone
only a few points less. He would be the best Ravenclaw, and one
of the best Slytherins. He's a perfect mix of the houses. A
I've fallen in love with him so much, in fact, that I'm seriously
considering starting an Artemis Fowl fanfic, about him in boarding
school and a girl. It also simultaneously inspired an original
story - my first original romance story, and I quite like the concept
of it now. It's very unique, not at all your sappy, cliche
Imagine, if you will - Artemis Fowl, unspoilt by all silly faerie
efforts and whatever - in boarding school, growing up. He has no
friends, of course, because he doesn't respect anyone, and of course
he's fine with it. One girl, however, who may or may not be
loosely based on me: one girl who admires intelligence above all, and
therefore falls in love with him. One girl who's definitely
quirky in her own way, because a lot of what's important to other girls
isn't important to her. She's quiet, very quiet, intelligent too,
of course. She approaches Artemis, and carefully offers him what
he's missing: only a chance to relieve his hormones, without the
strings. He comprehends completely, and accepts her offer, and
she doesn't mind knowing that he doesn't love her. And both being
intelligent, mature, above their peers, they continue their
relationship year after year....
Ye gods, it's the kind of story that could really, really be something, I think. The kind of fanfic, anyway.
...COPYRIGHTED, LAVINIA LAVENDER, 2005.