lavivi: scan from Hellsing manga of Integra and Alucard (Integra since junior high)
First line (or three) of a fic:


Father had taught her about many of the demonic tendencies of vampires, but he had failed to mention that they would try to steal her underwear.

She started to wonder now how he could have neglected it, when it seemed that for at least one certain vampire, it was his highest priority and goal for which he ceaselessly worked.

"No, NO, I definitely saw you that time, give them back."
lavivi: scan from Hellsing manga of Integra and Alucard (Integra since junior high)
Okay so I'm (slowly) reading the latest chapter of The Constant Guardian (the banter occasionally amuses me, but the writing/characterisation is so very questionable, so I have to go slow given my extreme sensitivity about Integra's characterisation), and a reminder of the plot (pill-induced vampirism in Romania) triggered this line of thought -

The actual likelihood of that if it were possible (which could be v. likely if vampires were, y'know, real) - how it would probably appear on the internet, some big flashing ad on a homepage like "WANNA BE A VAMPIRE?  THERE'S AN EASY WAY WITH NO DANGEROUS BITING INVOLVED" and when Walter shows it to Integra, how she would mutter, "That's sick.  ...I'd like to shoot Stephanie Meyer and Anne Rice.  Can we classify it as urgent prevention measures?"

and then how Integra probably has pinned up somewhere a hit list of authors etc. who are famous for making vampires seem cool, and also dreams of one day forcing them to have a disclaimer in all their works of how vampirism is just as cool as a bullet to the face, which she will assuredly personally deliver

- and then if Stephanie Meyer ever did an (extremely likely) British tour...how she might be kidnapped detoured for a little while so Integra can introduce her to Alucard and show her just how sparkly vampires are.


looooooool oh my God it's FRICKIN' BRILLIANT I can taste it, that would be so so cool and it could even spread like wildfire through fandom (if I'm able, as is always my problem, to live up to the idea with my execution).  Oh man oh man.  I don't think I can resist now, since I've thought about it for ten seconds.  It'll be short, a one-shot and just short of crack.

(I have not actually read Twilight, but I've heard an awful lot about it, particularly from [profile] buttfacemakani's extensive rants (1 2) and then some others.  I kind of do want to read it, for the same reason I like to read [profile] babb_chronicles, but it holds extra interest as published badfic.  It could cheer me up.)

ETA:  Okay I have to give credit where credit is due, particularly considering my blunt appraisal of The Constant Guardian at the top - but this just made me crack up laughing, it's really perfect:

[Alucard discussing the pill-induced vampires:]

"...Drug-ulas, perhaps.”

Integra closed her eyes wearily. “Five hundred years of personally experiencing cultural evolution—the renaissance, philosophy, the arts—and that’s the best quip you can come up with?”

lavivi: scan from Hellsing manga of Integra and Alucard (Default)
So.  The fourth and last (?) Artemis Fowl book.

Artemis Fowl - The Opal Deception

:
  The best part of the book was the beginning - the certain character's death scene.  Moving, without it trying to be.  Or maybe I'm just becoming sensitive. [sweatdrop]

A single quote, on page thirty-five of three hundred forty - Artemis is posing as a normal teenager to break into a bank:

Bertholt smiled with the insincerity a toddler could have seen through. "Alfonse, nice to meet you."
"Dude," said Artemis, with equal hypocrisy.

Those two lines are just...love. The next few lines are amusing, but not such love.

Butler shook his head. "My son does not communicate well with the rest of the world. I look forward to the day when he can join the army. Then we will see if there is a man beneath all these moods."

The rest of the book, however.  Artemis is fourteen, and the epilogue at the end of the third book LIED.   While he has somewhat reverted to his true Slytherin-ness, even before he recovered his memory he had Fits of Conscience.  After his memory...well.  He ceremoniously burned his Slytherin flag and dyed his hair red, and his skin gold.  I nearly hurled.

Very, very disappointing.  You lose, Eoin Colfer.  You lose big time.  You - you brought to life such a fascinating, Raverin character such as Artemis Fowl, and then you ruin him - it's unforgivable.  You think you're making your readers happy by making Artemis realize there are such things as morals, and giving him stupid Gryffindor sensibilities?  WRONG, ASSHAT.  Lemony Snicket proved how very wrong you are.  Look at his excellent books, which teach children how policemen are most certainly not your friends, and how lying can be both good and appropriate at times - his books, which one of the themes is all about Shades of Gray, dammit. 

It's really enough to make me cry, actually.  Because I think I've fallen in love with Artemis Fowl - on the same scale as my love for Cassie's Draco (which is, by the way, just about as much as I love anyone), only a few points less.  He would be the best Ravenclaw, and one of the best Slytherins.  He's a perfect mix of the houses.  A Raverin. 

I've fallen in love with him so much, in fact, that I'm seriously considering starting an Artemis Fowl fanfic, about him in boarding school and a girl.  It also simultaneously inspired an original story - my first original romance story, and I quite like the concept of it now.  It's very unique, not at all your sappy, cliche romance story. 

Imagine, if you will - Artemis Fowl, unspoilt by all silly faerie efforts and whatever - in boarding school, growing up.  He has no friends, of course, because he doesn't respect anyone, and of course he's fine with it.  One girl, however, who may or may not be loosely based on me: one girl who admires intelligence above all, and therefore falls in love with him.  One girl who's definitely quirky in her own way, because a lot of what's important to other girls isn't important to her.  She's quiet, very quiet, intelligent too, of course.  She approaches Artemis, and carefully offers him what he's missing: only a chance to relieve his hormones, without the strings.  He comprehends completely, and accepts her offer, and she doesn't mind knowing that he doesn't love her.  And both being intelligent, mature, above their peers, they continue their relationship year after year....

Ye gods, it's the kind of story that could really, really be something, I think.  The kind of fanfic, anyway.





...COPYRIGHTED, LAVINIA LAVENDER, 2005.

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lavivi: scan from Hellsing manga of Integra and Alucard (Default)
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April 2009

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